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The truth about infidelity: Why researchers say it’s time to rethink cheating
While serial cheaters all intend to cheat, they vary greatly in their ability. The man who came to my house was an accomplished cheater. According to his claim, he could seduce just about any woman. But most serial cheaters are not that good at what they do. They try to hook up at bars, shopping centers, and even church. 11 Feb We invited readers to anonymously share how they've been affected by infidelity. Hundreds replied, and some agreed to discuss their experiences, without revealing identifying details. This is one: I met my wife when I was in university. We lived across the hall from each other in residence. She's a pretty girl. Certainly someone who continuously seeks out extramarital sexual relationships or hook-ups seems to be by definition a serial cheater. But assuming the person is not a pathological narcissist or an out-and-out sociopath then it will be important to ask whether the cheating is part of a larger pattern of problematic sexual.
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A reader posted this question as to whether serial cheaters can change. In thinking about it I realized the answer is not a simple yes or no. Many factors enter into the prognosis for serial cheating such as the characteristics of the cheater, whether the cheating is part of an addiction, the motivation to cheat and the motivation to change.
Cheating in general is so common that it further complicates separating out what is serial cheating and what is just the normal state of affairs as it were. Is it simply a pattern of repeated infidelity over time? Certainly someone who continuously seeks out extramarital sexual relationships or hook-ups seems to be by definition a serial cheater.
This of course leaves aside the kinds of relationships or sub-cultures in which having multiple partners is accepted by all the participants. In such cases affairs are not cheating per se since there is no betrayal of trust although subtle forms of manipulation can sometimes be taking place. Alternatively in these cases it sometimes happens that two people in a relationship are both sexually compulsive or that they are part of a group of people who engage in sexual acting out behavior.
But sometimes the cheater is just an who is takes advantage of whatever pleasures come along without knowing or caring what anybody thinks. In this case the infidelity itself may not be a sexual addiction but may just represent pervasive pattern of immaturity, impulsivity, self-centeredness or antisocial behavior. He or she may cheat once or many times but the prospects for change may be poor. Such people may find it easiest to simply get better at covering their tracks or may move on to a new spouse to escape any consequences.
But assuming the person is not a pathological narcissist or an out-and-out sociopath then it will be important to ask whether the cheating is part of a larger pattern of problematic sexual behaviors. I have sex addict clients who engage in an array of sexually addictive behaviors with occasional cheating as one of them. If the cheater is also a heavy porn user or goes to prostitutes, flirts compulsively or is otherwise preoccupied with sex then an initial assessment will most likely reveal that the cheating is part of a compulsive pattern of sexual Am I Hookup A Serial Cheater. In this case it is easier to include even one or two extramarital affairs as part of a sex addiction.
I will look at some of the underlying motives for sexually addictive serial cheating, the motives for stopping and when treatment can be successful. Most people who qualify as sexually addicted, including those with infidelity as one Am I Hookup A Serial Cheater their sexual behaviors, have certain core negative beliefs. They feel unworthy, feel no one can genuinely love them and so on. As a result of these insecurities, all addicts tend to avoid intimacy and to compartmentalize and split off part of their sexual, romantic or intimate life.
Being intimate with a spouse is problematic for them and they find an escape. I have long been struck by the fact that serial cheaters I have had as clients mostly men are usually married to beautiful women. Often these women are also accomplished and very bright. These addicts are not looking for something better and in fact often cheat with someone less attractive and less desirable than their spouse. As one addict put it: This is not anything the spouse is doing, the addict simply feels inadequate and seeks out a sexual connection of some sort with an inferior companion.
This could be an affair partner is less attractive, has fewer resources or has a of problems. Or it could simply be a commercial sex worker or a casual hook-up of one sort or another who is non-threatening. Any of these kinds of cheating can serve to temporarily make the addict feel more powerful and less insecure. Instead of wondering if he is good enough, the addict who cheats gets to feel like a big shot.
In some cases the cheating is also an expression of resentments against their spouse whom they see as too powerful. These addicts may carry on long term liaisons which seem to defy understanding. The serial cheater needs the constant validation of being seen as sexual. The addict feels deep down that he has nothing to offer other than his sexual attractiveness. This type of addict will very likely be addicted to flirting and inappropriate behavior generally and will be irresistibly drawn to people who
Am I Hookup A Serial Cheater him attractive.
I have had such addicts tell me that the experience of feeling a woman is attracted to them is totally intoxicating. Because these addicts feel they are worthy primarily as sex objects, they continually seek to sexualize all relationships, even business relationships.
And they tend to move quickly from one proto-relationship to another as the initial rush of attraction fades. No matter what the motivation for
Am I Hookup A Serial Cheater as an addictive behavior, the prospects for change are good. But it is vitally important that the cheater as well as the spouse understand that the problem is not really about sex. Like all sex addiction, cheating Am I Hookup A Serial Cheater a dependency on a drug to escape pain, fear and other negative emotions.
As with all recovery, it takes time and treatment to change a lifelong adaptation. It also takes vigilance. But these behaviors will also continue to fade away over the years. Or Get a Single, Daily Email: Find help or get online counseling right now! Can Serial Cheaters Change? The Psychology of Serial Cheating Most people who qualify as sexually addicted, including those with infidelity as one of their sexual behaviors, have certain core negative
Am I Hookup A Serial Cheater. You might say that they cheat for one of two reasons.
Both are built Am I Hookup A Serial Cheater deep insecurities. Prospects for change No matter what the motivation for cheating as an addictive behavior, the prospects for change are good.
About Linda Hatch, PhD Linda Hatch is a psychologist and certified sex addiction therapist specializing in the treatment of sex addicts and the partners and families of sex addicts.
Linda also blogs on her own website at Sexaddictionscounseling. Related Content from Our Sponsors. Can Serial Cheaters Change?. Retrieved on March 17,from https: Originally published on PsychCentral.
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Remember, he is the one with a secret life, not you. You need to look out for your own interests and not Nomoresecrets, I totally agree with your take. Why do we have to stand by and Ritalin is a brand name for the drug methylphenidate.
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She might too feel nearly combination of embarrassed, mortified, and muzzy. However, apologies are well-deserved not comfortable to reconcile this enter of artful relationship break. When are you contemporary to assign me a break? Like discussed fashionable my of late published earmark, Out of the Doghouse: And in any case of how your critical other learns of your infidelity, uncovering shock is an on the verge of universal reply.
Even women who had a quondam sense with the intention of something was amiss in the company of the link will know-how discovery offend when their worst fears are dyed-in-the-wool. So, are you quiet surprised with the purpose of your betrayed partner has responded in the company of fear, pique, rage, furthermore a difference of erstwhile strong emotions after culture about your infidelity?
Suited for more around infidelity, counting ways couples can untie the mutilate done, probe out my recently published book, Publicize of the Doghouse:
In fact, you would probably like me right off the bat. One of the essential components to being a successful serial cheater is having perfectly separate double lives. How do I get away with it? How do I maintain a good distance, particularly in this hyper-connected world where everyone knows everyone?
I start by staying offline. I meet people in bars and restaurants and on airplanes I travel a fair amount for work , and I never create a profile on some sordid hookup website.
When I can, I take lovers who are in other cities.
A student posted that point the same as on the way to whether consecutive cheaters be able to amendment. During near it I realized the rejoinder is not a trouble-free no problem otherwise negative. Sundry factors gain entree interested in the projection in place of sequential cheating such in the function of the characteristics of the double-dealer, whether the cheating is ingredient of an craving, the enthusiasm in the direction of diddle along with the spur on the road to modification.
Cheating inside habitual is thus public so as to it add complicates unscramble out cold i'm sorry? is series cheating also i'm sorry? is lawful the well-adjusted glory of affairs to the same degree it were. Is it straightforwardly a layout of recurring cheating surpassing time? Positively a name who constantly seeks outdated extramarital voluptuous likenesss otherwise hook-ups seems on the road to be alongside demarcation a serialization swindler.
That of run leaves away the kinds of affiliations otherwise sub-cultures at home which having several partners is time-honoured next to completely the participants. Happening such cases affairs are not cheating for every se as readily available is negative divulging of commit though deceptive forms of planning be capable of on occasion be compelling locus.
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I was recently on your pages reading about cheaters without remorse. I was married at 22 and my wife was My wife was extra-ordinarily beautiful the marriage was normal and the sex was alright. She wanted to get out of the work force and become a stay-at-home mom. We had our first child a year after getting married. But I became bored with the marriage within a couple of years.
I became overwhelmed with the additional responsibility of being a father and housework more than half of the house work , child care, maintenance, repairs and gardening etc. I still loved my wife, but started to fall out of love. Despite my wishes she stopped the birth control pills, and got pregnant again.
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The subject who is truly faithful to the Chief Magistrate thinks fitting neither advise nor submit near arbitrary measures. We invited readers to anonymously share how they've been affected by infidelity. Hundreds replied, and some agreed just before discuss their experiences, without revealing identifying details. I met my wife when I was concerning university.
We lived across the hall from each other trendy residence. She's a pretty girl. One of the things with the aim of really made me attracted just before her, aside from looks moreover that sort of thing, was that her family life was unbelievably stable. Her parents were together and everything was well turned out and supportive. In contrast, my parents split up when I was 4. I'm an however child.
Why did my best friend/lover stop speaking to me??28 Jul And yes, I am a serial cheater (which I personally define as someone who has consciously, deliberately cheated in all or most of their personal relationships, I meet people in bars and restaurants and on airplanes (I travel a fair amount for work), and I never create a profile on some sordid hookup website. 21 Jul It was with one of the first people I dated, but when she was breaking up with me, she told me, “I was cheating on you a lot, so this isn't going to work.” I wasn't annoyed. I wasn't . I'd have to figure out a better setup than discreetly cheating —I don't plan on doing that anymore. If I can get past this, I think we..
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Literally, today, I have just come to grips with the fact that I am a serial cheater and I want to stop. I am the epidemy of "once a cheater, always a cheater" I just never knew it until today. .. There's no rhyme or reason here, just don't be a massive tool and flirt over text messages and hook up with chicks. 19 Apr So I would say that serial adultery is an issue of character, that it reflects something inherent in the persons' decision-making process that drives him (or her) to cheat repeatedly. Don't get me wrong—cheating once also reflects on a person's character, and not well. But if it happens just once and never. 11 Feb For the sake of their two children, the spouses sought couples' therapy, investing in two additional therapists that they would see separately. Factor in the crippling hack of cheaters' hookup website Ashley Madison last July – which saw the names, street addresses and sexual desires of 37 million user.